As Different as Night and Day - a look back on twelve weeks

"They" told me that a child in foster care grieves hard upon placement with an adoptive family.  They also told me this is healthy and shows the child can bond.  They seem to be right.

We don't have a "Gotcha Day" video because Miss A came to us being dragged (literally) and screaming.  It was ugly.  It was painful.  It was scary.  She wouldn't let me touch her for about a week.

Contrast that with Miss J who was the epitome of calm.  She smiled very sweetly and took my hand as if to say, "I was waiting for you!"  Being part of the general crowd at the orphanage, apparently not special to anyone - ever - she seemed used to new people and new caregivers.

So here we are twelve weeks later.  In many ways it seems as though our Little Princesses have been in our lives always.  While we wish that were so we know they have a past that we will never fully comprehend.  A past that likely includes loss and hurt and longing.

This week has been one of great variance, hot with emotions.  Our girls are as different as night and day.  We will never know how much their past has to do with it and how much is just their own little personalities.

Jen is not really "what you see is what you get."  She has the persona of being just the sweetest and most cheerful child when one first meets her.  Underneath she is frightened and unsure and tempestuous.  Picture a two-year-old tantrum in a seven-year-old body.  Yeah, there it is.  One minute she is a smiling, loving child and the next a raging mess.  Little things set her off in big ways.  Sometimes we have no idea what it even was that set her off.

The situation I found myself in this week was with a screaming and RAGING child - in public.  One who SCREAMED all the way out of the store.  One who threw herself down in the middle of a parking lot.  Picture the stares from people who wondered what in the world *I* had done to this "poor little handicapped girl with a walker" to cause such a reaction.  There was nothing I could do but to pick her up in one arm (wow she gets heavy!) and her walker in the other and leave.  Abandon the shopping trip.  Game over.  She went home to cool down and I went back to finish my shopping later - without her.

The good news is that her tantrums seem to be fewer and farther between.  The bad news is that they are pretty ugly and long lasting when they do occur.  Am I discouraged?  No.  In our adoption training our agency described tantrums as an "emotional sneeze."  That sums it up so very well.  Our older little princess has many things in her past that she just doesn't have the language to tell us about or the method of coping with - yet.  In many ways she IS a two year old emotionally.  I have evaluated the situation every which way and think I know how we could have possibly avoided the escalating emotions that led to this, as a popular book series puts it, "series of unfortunate events." I've filed it away in my brain to hopefully help us head off a major meltdown on another day.

I am happy to report that this week also had some very sweet times.  Miss A has indeed great capacity for love (many thank you's to her foster family are due, I'm sure) and has spent the last couple of days randomly hugging and kissing me as we go about our routine.  This morning she wanted to be my "baby" and we spent a few precious minutes with her curled up in my arms as I rocked her.  Too immature for a six-year-old?  Nope.  This little princess is making up for lost time and holes in her past.

So how have the past twelve weeks gone - really?  We've been out and about at a butterfly exhibit, gardens, concert, movie, museum, parade, parks and playgrounds, restaurants, dentist, a multitude of doctor appointments, shopping (their favorite is IKEA)  and making friends.  We've planted flowers in the backyard, blown about a million bubbles, turned blue in the wading pool, and taken a try at making a bed, vacuuming and loading the dishwasher.  We've had really great times and we've had some really hard times. AND it isn't always the same child who causes either extreme.  In my three decades of parenting that seems to be pretty normal.

We've been super fortunate as both girls are good eaters, not picky, and love trying new foods.  They have liked the most of them too!  Their favorites?  They still love noodles and congee, but french fries, spaghetti and pizza rank pretty high up there too!

Any type of water or sand play delights them.  Miss A likes to watch movies in general.  Miss J, not so much.  Both Little Princesses are on the patio now, blowing bubbles.  They LOVE to blow bubbles and will blow them until the bubbles run out.

They also love their "Signing Time" dvd's and we are communicating better each day.  While their tongues cannot form the English words they are wanting to say, their hand motions can communicate in the meantime.  It has helped  - a LOT.

I believe they are learning to trust us, to form an attachment, to get to know extended family and be "ok" with them, and I KNOW we love them both dearly.  No regrets.  I cannot imagine life without them.

Another Way to Get Wet!

If you follow my blog you know that the Little Princesses are part fish.  They are all for any means of getting wet!  I'd spotted a water activity table on the Facebook posts of a couple of different friends and knew that we HAD to have one for our yard.

My original thought was it would give the water cravings a "fix" without a total body soaking.  Hmmmm... some day when I am a more experienced mother I will know better than to think that!  In the meantime (with some explaining to Miss A that it isn't acceptable to pour water on heads) we are wet primarily from the chest down.

I love that it came with a water wheel!  There were also two little sailboats, but the Princesses don't seem much into sailing.  As you can see, Abigail very quickly turned the sailboat into a vessel for dumping water into the wheel.  Why sail when you can dump water?  Indeed.

A Rainy Fourth of July!

Here are our little girls on the 4th of July.  We went to an adult daughter's house intending to watch some of our grandchildren in a parade and then have a cookout.  It has been raining, and raining and raining for days here in Ohio, so we had to come up with alternative plans.

Fortunately, I remembered that I had bought a finger painting set and stuck it away for ... well, a RAINY DAY!  Even the "big kids" had fun!

I find myself wondering if the Little Princesses had ever experienced finger paint before.  They didn't seem surprised or grossed out by it, so I'm thinking they may have done it before.

Jennifer's creation

There is such a contrast to rainy days while we were in China as compared to here.  Even though it rained nearly every day that we were there, the people seemed to get all excited about it and insist that we get an umbrella.  In our family a rainy day (if it is warm with no lightning) often means yet one more excuse to play in the water!  You've already seen evidence on my blog that our little girls are part fish.  They loved it!

It was so, so fun to see Abigail running with her sisters, niece and nephews and enjoying the rain!  If you look closely you will see that she still has a blue hand from finger painting, so it was a fun way to clean up too!

 I'm guessing that they had NOT played in the rain before!

Grocery Grabbers

When I returned from grocery shopping I took a load in the house then went back to the van to get some more bags.

One of our older daughters came out grinning and said, "Mom, you need to see what your youngest daughters are doing!" 

Me:  Are they freaking out over all the food?

She:  More than that, just come see!

They were very gleefully unpacking the bags and exclaiming over all of their finds.  They were pretty good ones too as it appears that they discovered the junk food bags.  (I assure you I bought meat, fruit and vegetables also.)  I'm guessing they never had an experience like this in the orphanage!

Another Success! Zac Morgan Concert

We have been attending church in the foyer and/or nursing baby room since our return from China because Abigail has some sort of a fear of theater type seating.  We don't have a clue what the issue is, but she is afraid.  I took advantage of a concert at our local library hoping, hoping, hoping for a successful experience.  

At first Abigail was unsure and hid in my lap.  Pretty soon however, she saw that the other children were having fun, and that the guy singing was really pretty fun too!  Zac Morgan is a children's singer/songwriter and a local celebrity.  Apparently his music appeals to Chinese children with only a small grasp of the language also!

They also appreciated his props!

By the time the concert was over Abigail was doing the motions with Zac and giggling!  Yay!   Both princesses also enjoy books, so the afternoon ended in a pleasant way.

 

Oh oh! Vaccination Day

 What do you get when you go for lab results and vaccinations?  Two UNhappy Little Princesses.  Still, they did GREAT!  The nurse even remarked that she could hardly believe they were the same children!

Jennifer cried a little bit, but Abigail took it all in stride.  If you remember, she was the one who screamed for like five hours when they had their initial evaluations, so this was tremendous progress!

There were no real surprises in their lab results or their diagnosis and plan for treatment.  We are glad for that.  The bad news was that after testing for immunities, Abigail needed four shots and Jennifer needed three.  With as much worrying as they did about them they surely were cooperative!  Again, Jen cried a little bit, but Abigail didn't even flinch.  Wow.

We thought this was going to be a short appointment, and perhaps in the world of international adoption it was, but it still took two hours.  Most of that time was spent actually WITH a medical person, not just waiting, so I continue to be impressed at the time and attention these folks take with our children.

At one point the nurse practitioner was asking about their diet and we were discussing options for calcium since neither girl likes milk.  She mentioned ice cream and Abigail ran with it!  Ice cream is one of the signs we've learned in our Signing Time movies, and she made sure we didn't forget that she wanted some. 

I think I had an "AH HA" moment.  We have found that when we tell Abigail she may have something but she needs to wait for it (wait is another of our signs and she knows the meaning) she is very, very persistent to NAG us until it happens.  If our bio children had done this we would think they were being a little naughty, and honestly it gets tiring.  But what if,  just consider - WHAT IF she has been told lies in the past to get her to cooperate?  She has no way of knowing that if Mama tells her, "Yes, we are going to get ice cream," that I really WILL make every effort to do what I have promised.  I'm choosing to give her the benefit of the doubt and have even a little more patience with the pestering.  In time she will learn that I can be trusted.

After the long morning and being human pin cushions we figured they were due for a treat.  Lunch at Chick-fil-a followed by the requested ice cream was in order! 

We think this may have been the first time the Little Princesses have had an ice cream cone.  They seemed quite amazed when we told them they could actually EAT the cone part!

Jennifer is so, so funny when she eats.  If it is something she really likes she will nod her head over and over and say, "yummy, yummy."  The cone was worthy of this reaction.  This little munchkin ate the ENTIRE THING! 

The Royalty Visits the Dentist

 I was dreading today.  Our pediatric dentist (whom we've seen for many years) is over two hours away now that we've moved to Ohio.  But, I think he is worth it, so I went on a road trip this morning with my three little ladies to get their teeth cleaned.

Jen began crying about an hour into the trip.  I don't know what types of things she imagines is going to happen to her, but she is frightened of something.  She doesn't understand English well enough to reason with her, and doesn't have a whole lot of reason to trust me anyway since she has only known me for a couple of months.  We opted for distractions and stopped at a McDonald's to use the restroom and get a snack.

We also took the opportunity to tell them that we were going to get our TEETH BRUSHED.  Abigail cheered out loudly at this announcement!  They were both cheerful for the rest of the trip.

Abigail gets her picture taken.

Big sister Tikvah led the way and the other two went back with her to see just what was going to happen.  They watched her get her x rays and then her teeth cleaned.  Abigail was fascinated, though Jen fussed a little bit and was unsure if she wanted to cooperate.

I was surprised that Abigail then volunteered to go first and have her "picture taken" with the really big camera.  The technician had to hold the x ray films in place and have someone else press the button, but she got the pictures! Next up,  Jennifer just fussed a little bit then went to have her teeth brushed. 

Jennifer's tooth pictures.

This office is GOOD and they are FAST.  I was running about attempting to talk to the dentist as he looked at each mouth and totally missed the cleanings.  I was just lucky to have gotten these couple of photos!

Tikvah was happy to have no cavities and a report of "perfection" for her brushing technique.  The Little Princesses didn't fare as well.  Both have infected teeth and got a prescription for an antibiotic as well as plans to go under general anesthesia at the hospital to address some cavity issues. 

After the appointment we met up with a couple of my adult daughters and their children for lunch and a play date at the park.  Perfect!  They didn't even seem to mind the long ride home that much.






As for Mama, well ... I am TIRED but feeling positive about the successful experience today.  Here's hoping they learned to trust more and that Wednesday's appointment for lab results and (GULP) shots won't undue all the trust I've earned. Here are the royal sisters with their clean teeth and their new toothbrushes.  Happy!